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For many years I have successfully used my technique for suppressing colds. It is simply to raise my body temperature to 102°F in a tub of water maintained at 105.5°F and get out immediately and cool off. The idea behind my method, or is it madness, is to warn my antibodies that something needs to be attended to. However, at age eighty-four with a normal body temperature of 96.8°F, which is two degrees below a normal middle-aged adult temperature of 98.6°F, raising my temperature to 102°F is like raising a normal person’s temperature to 104°F. That is a dangerous temperature and if you show up at an ER with 104 they will treat you with respect. But, when I showed up the day before Christmas with 97.2 and claiming to feel a fever, they were polite but treated me like they had more important things to be attending to, and probably they did.

What I wanted were some Tamiflu pills, which if you take them the first day or two of a flu are much more effective than later. I read some large scale research on Tamiflu based in Java and it found that giving large doses of Tamiflu to a person with fulminant cold and high fever was potentially deadly. Anyway, I was treated kindly and shown to the door. Come back when you’re sick. I have slowly gotten sicker and now at day ten, I am feeling all sorts of symptoms.

I visited with my old dudes for coffee this morning expecting to be stoned for yesterday’s Probaway – Person of the Year Post being me. Everyone seemed to follow the logic of my presentation, and the high point was, “The more sophisticated human language became, the abler subsequent women were to choose men for their ever more refined qualities. “What do women want?” is the eternal question. But the answer is simple. “Better men!””

They did think the photo of me mooning my public was a bit over the top, but for me, it was a nod to the absurdity of my whole presentation, in fact of my whole life.

It is time to take care of my dripping eyes and runny nose.