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We all eat apples occasionally. I recently was eating one and it was scrumptious so I wanted every last tiny bit of it. So I proceeded as I usually do when eating a corn on the cob using the round and round style, shifting over between each round, rather than using the typewriter technique which goes back and forth across the length of the cob. For a complete revelation of my tested corn cob eating techniques I must not skip over the spiral route, moving forward and basically pulling the kernels loose with my lower teeth.

Starting with a whole apple, I generally sink my upper and lower teeth into a lower left flank with my lowers and up a ways with my uppers, and pull loose a bite-size chunk with both my teeth. There is usually a satisfying snap, which so far has always been the apple and not my teeth coming out. After chewing up this morsel I proceed upwards around the apple for about four more bites until having circumnavigated that apple, I start another course towards the center and proceed thus across the apple in a semi spiral fashion, taking some advantage of the soft parts already exposed to gain some traction with my lower teeth. I continue with this spiral until reaching the right side and the stem.

Having eaten most of the apple, as above, I proceed to nibble away at what’s left over, but on closer observation I realized this was a faulty procedure. The problem was that the core was very flimsy and would break up easily and I would lose some of the good meat. Also it was difficult to separate out the seeds and the usually woody core. With that thought in mind, I experimented a bit on my next several apples and will now pass on my earth-shaking discovery to you. Any innuendo that I am a snake bringing the knowledge of how to eat an apple to some young lady, Eve or otherwise, is a bizarre mistake on your part, and I shouldn’t have bothered to deny it a priori.

Here is what works to maintain the strength and stability of the apple until you remove the core and seeds. Eat around the equator of the apple a couple of circuits, and before going for the ends, which are still quite large, nibble away as close to the core and seeds as you choose to do. The apple is still together, but now take a chomp enclosing the entire core, seeds and woody matter, pulling it loose into your mouth and then immediately spitting it out into a proper place. Needless to say you should do this discreetly, but the technique does expose the remaining good apple meat which is now totally free of seeds. Using these techniques may get you ten percent more of what you want.

Enjoy your apples.