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It is a personal hallucination, perhaps a Freudian defense mechanism of some undefined type, but I feel like seeing personal interaction problems, followed by stating them as clearly as possible, is the first step towards looking for solutions to the problems. The next step to solving a problem comes when stating it to the other people involved. If the problem concerns them in any way they feel challenged, criticized and therefore defensive and resentful.

Tonight I found myself doing that silly type of intellectualizing. It was strange because I couldn’t stop myself. It felt inappropriate even as I was doing it, but I couldn’t control it. I did stop doing it for a moment, and then Tourette’s-like I went ahead and pursued the terribly inappropriate linkage statements which brought to the social surface some really offensive comments. Perhaps I said them with a smile, like it was a joke, but even as I said them I was offending myself. This went on for only a minute, but it was stupid. I departed a few seconds later feeling like a complete ass. I don’t know if the other people were offended, or just thought me strange to bring up inappropriate subjects.

The social situation was one where there should have been a simple thank you for your good work, what a fine job you did, I particularly liked that particular thing you did, and you would be perfect for doing a particular job I might be able to get for you if you would be interested. Or perhaps just do the socially polite thing, which is basically smile, shake hands, say your name, ask their name and most important remember their name, and introduce your companion, and remember everyone’s name and thank them for being there. That can be done routinely, and even I can learn and obey routines.

There is a naked feeling when looking at one’s own faults. That’s soon followed by grief and guilt and hoped-for clothing.

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